I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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