Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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