just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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