I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
