I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out