Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.