So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Randomize
