I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Two words: blizzard sex
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
