He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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