Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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