My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
