My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Houston, we have a squirter
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Randomize
