I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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