I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
