38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
A bitchslap is in order.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
