If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
