I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
