i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
