please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
