I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
