omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
