I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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