we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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