I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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