I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
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The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
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You pole danced in your parka.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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