She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
