you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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