well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
