Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
