Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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