I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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