we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
