Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
