thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
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