I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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