you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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