In the future we'll all be gay
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
