I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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