Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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