Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
