I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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