I'm going to jail i love you
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
