He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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