I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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