No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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