I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
