The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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