hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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