I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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