I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
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My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
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I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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