I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
