Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
soo... how was my night?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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