So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
