Apparently you make a good broom.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
