She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
