Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
