I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
be right there i have to get my cape
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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