the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
